The Technologically Challenged

Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's
still hope:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
   Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
   is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
   was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
   be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
   that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
   (5-1/4") diskettes.  After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
   failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
   had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
   to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
   diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
   with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
   back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
   hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
   across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
   to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
   discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
   in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
   longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
   water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
   and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
   because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".  The
   tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
   responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
   He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
   printer."  The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
   face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
   her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
   plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
   the power button.  Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
   pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
   mouse!
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
   brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
   plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
   happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
   she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire  SysOp:
   Caller: "Hello, is this  Tech Support?"
   Tech:   "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
   Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
            warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
   Tech:   "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
   Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
   Tech:   "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
            Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
            How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
            on it?"
   Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
            promotion.  It just has '4X' on it."
   At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
   couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
   using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
   snapped it off the drive.
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
   for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
   put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I
   squeezed it in.  When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't
   even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2"
   meant to remove Disk 1 first.
  

The Bachelor Diet

Monday

Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers"
- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but
now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a
bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the
way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken
three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.


Tuesday

Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety
five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat
whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.


Wednesday

Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at
El Flasho's
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for
scraps


Thursday

Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
sack forleftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get
hungry ask the bartender for olives.


Friday

Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.


Saturday

Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.


Sunday

Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about
renting your old room

The real bastard

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.
His tears are streaming down his cheeks.
An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.
"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four
little kittens we had yesterday!"
"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your
father is a real bastard!'
"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that
I could do it."

A new Degree Programme at the University of Life

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY
   that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's
   right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as
   earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the
   program outline.
   FIRST YEAR:
   Autumn Schedule
   MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
   MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
   MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
   MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
   Winter Schedule
   MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
   MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m.
   MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
   EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
   ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers
   Spring Schedule
   MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
   MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
   MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
   MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
   ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)
   SECOND YEAR:
   Autumn Schedule
   SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
   SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
   MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
   MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
   ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)
   Winter Schedule
   MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
   MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
   MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
   MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
   MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1
   Spring Schedule
   MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
   MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
   MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
   MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
   MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2
   Course Electives
   EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
   EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
   EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
   MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
   MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
   MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
   ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

Man, You have many useless body parts!!!!!1

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple
Two calves that will never become cows
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything
Twenty nails that won't hold a board
A chest that won't hold linen
Two boobs that won't give milk
Two buns that won't feed anyone
A belly button that won't button
Two balls that won't roll
An ass that won't pull a plow
An organ that won't play music
A cock that won't crow

California Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
   at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
   "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your
   car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
   driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
   longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
   and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
  

Johnny's Grandpa is burnt

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to
   be confronted by his
   teacher.
   Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
   Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday."
   Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?"
   Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you
   know.